“I Found a Lump”

Thursday, November 27th, 2014

Thanksgiving. This holiday is tied with Christmas as my favorite.

And why wouldn’t it be? It’s comprised of my favorite things: Fall weather replete with crispy, warm-hued leaves; a cool, gentle air, often accompanied by grey skies that instill a sense of calm; The full roster of my favorite humans, both family and friends; a delicious cornucopia of libations; and a snack and dinner spread that could rival any master chef’s. What more could you ask for? Nothing. Well, not usually.

This specific Thanksgiving hurt. My heart was broken – I had freshly boarded the heartbreak train but 16 days prior  – and I was having a hard time being present and finding happy. I was additionally stressed about finals as I was trying to successfully close out my second-to-last semester of college, with an 18 credit workload, all the while putting in a solid 50 hours of work/week in between five jobs. I was vying for “Honors Status” and was trying desperately to “keep my eye on the prize” although it was difficult to see anything clearly.

My heart was shattered, I was exhausted, and I just desperately wanted to lie in bed and watch cheesy Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel… Ordering Chinese, drinking wine, and watching sappy holiday-inspired love stories sounded like tortured bliss….

But alas! I rolled my ass out of bed, made some dynamite side dishes, showered and made my way to my sister’s house to bathe in love, laughter, and conversation. And wine. A lot of wine.

As we were wrapping up Thanksgiving dinner, pre-tryptophan coma, my mom told my sister and I, “Girls, I found a lump….”

“WHAT?!”

“WHERE?!”

“WHEN?!”

“HAVE YOU CALLED THE DOCTOR?!”

We flooded the kitchen with a plethora of other questions, us emphatically asking more, and more, and more, and more.

“It’s in my right breast. I don’t think it’s anything,” replied mom.

“Um okay, have you confirmed this with a doctor?!” I asked.

“Yeah, I mean, I will call them, tomorrow,” she answered.

And as we sat for the next 30 minutes, in shock, asking more and trying desperately for her to realize the serious nature of what we could be facing, we begged her to call the doctor.

She left shortly after that, as she had to get my grandma back home, and my sister and I sat in the kitchen – her with a Jameson neat and me with a Cabernet – talking about the potential severity of the situation and how we planned to be on her about it until we knew she made and went to “that appointment”.

The month following this news, I checked in daily, “Have you called? When is your appointment? I will go with you.”

“Yes, I will call, tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow.”

And then another month passed, finals were done, Christmas had come and gone, a new year was upon us, and I had stopped asking.

Why? I don’t know.

What I do know is that “tomorrow” isn’t good enough and it most definitely isn’t promised.

 

8 Comments Add yours

  1. Mikki Morse says:

    You are such a flurry of light – I look forward to happening upon you at the random times we run into each other. You make me smile by looking at you and reading your words…be it good or bad. Know that you are not alone and that there are so many of us that love and care about you. You are an inspiration to many, including myself. Love, light and hugs…xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. How blessed am I for you?! INFINITELY! Thank you for your unwavering love and support of not only me but my mother. WE LOVE YOU!!! xoxox

      Like

  2. Jazmine Blakley says:

    Amanda, you are one of the strongest women I know. You walked into this situation with a blindfold on but not one time did you leave your Mother. You remained a strong foundation for her and that is something I will always and respect about you. Just seeing the love you have for her made me cry because not everyone is blessed in that way. I am so happy that your Mother got to hold your hand and enjoy numerous happy moments with you. Your relationship with your Mother is a blessing to all of of us and a reminder that tomorrow isn’t promised. I love you you and you will forever be my sister no matter how much time has parted us.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love you, Jazzy! Thank you so very much for this wonderful sentiment. I am blessed to know you and call you my sister. XOXO

      Like

  3. Tracy L says:

    Writing this will help you – and it will help everyone who reads it. I’m so freaking sad for you and your family…sometimes the unfairness is hard to fathom. But I also believe that we are meant to find joy in life, regardless of circumstances, and you are a shining example of someone who does exactly that. I’m betting you learned it from your momma. 😃

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, SO MUCH, Tracy! I truly appreciate you and your message. I hope that as I hope that as I move forward in documenting my journey and healing myself, I am able to help others. Love you.

      Like

  4. I love the underlying message in this post, “don’t wait till tomorrow”. No matter how scary it seems, no person should EVER postpone taking care of their health! Thank you Amanda for sharing your family’s story in more depth. Let’s hope someone will read this and help save their life, realizing the importance of breast health. You are an amazing woman, with an amazing family and important story to tell.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Angelique! I appreciate you and your comment. It is SO TRUE: Do NOT wait – for anything! Tomorrow isn’t promised. I hope I can help and/or inspire someone with the story of my journey. Love you!

      Like

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